Ah, Middle School . . . what a wonderful, completely disastrous, confusing, high energy, low sensitivity time.
I hated my middle school years - 100% completely - and I had BIG FEELINGS pretty much every day. I was dealing with some tough friend issues and I didn’t have the emotional experience to handle it. It was the first time people would say or act one-way and then behind my back do something completely different. If I was straight forward and asked about it, then it just created more secret whispers. I definitely wouldn’t go back.
When I think about it now though, it was such a short time (overall) but then it felt never-ending.
So how can we, as trusted adults, make it easier for children to navigate? How do we handle those emotional lows that come on so quickly?
Well to start with, we can listen to the spiral, instead of trying to stop it. That is WAY easier said than done though.
Let’s picture this:
You’re having a pretty decent day. You have about 5 more errands to run before you go home and make dinner. You’re going to pick up your teen from school and do blah, blah, blah
AND that will be perfect. You’ll get it all done
and then . . .CURVE BALL.
They get into the car and start balling their eyes out. You think, “Now? Really?” You let them explain what’s going on and the whole time you are triaging, trying to stop it and fix the problem.
It’s not that bad.
IT IS THAT BAD
etc. etc for the next 10 minutes
So now you’re getting worried. Something is seriously wrong. You start problem solving next steps - Do you go into the school tomorrow? Do you email the teacher?
This is the BIGGEST DEAL for them.
Yes It is. . . in that moment.
BUT here’s the thing - teens actually feel better after they unload on you.
It’s as if it’s your problem now and they feel relief. In the book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, author Dr. Lisa Damour, explains how this works. Psychologists call it externalization: managing an unpleasant emotion by getting someone else to feel it instead.
Awesome (eye roll) . . .
So what does that mean when dealing with the spiral? Let it happen and know that by just being in the moment with them, they are going to feel better. We don’t have to solve it, we don’t have to do any more about it. We just need to make sure that we understand that this is their process. (Note: Dr. Damour says if your child is sad about everything for days to seek professional help.)
So that’s it. Deep breaths and find a way to detox after.
